Fear Paralysis

Last night I made a to-do list for this morning. Determined to be proactive on my job-hunt, I made a list of people to contact – network execs, producers, writers, recruiters. I got up at 7:20am, meditated, had some tea, ate some breakfast and sat down to compose my first email. I have no clue why, but in spite of all the sh*t I’ve survived (so far) in my life (being hospitalized 3 times, now living with chronic pain as a result, my dad being hit by a bus and left permanently brain damaged) I am still intimidated by people. I try to remind myself that they are only human and conjure up images of them in vulnerable/humbling scenarios…and yet, always find myself reduced to some sort of pathetic weed in the face of prestige, notoriety, accolades, wealth and good health.

I should really talk to myself as I would a friend. I am my friends’ greatest cheerleader. I would be telling them to get a move on and send it already! Stop overthinking! You’re amazing, I wish you could see it!

Why am I so intimidated to write this email to this exec? Well, for one thing, there’s the obvious — impostor syndrome. Who am I? I’m not that great? Not that sharp anymore. Why should he make time for me? Why should he even read my email?

Then there’s the fear of messing up my one chance to make a stellar first impression.

I am the Queen of self-sabotage.


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